Post PhD--Whatever will be?

Que sera sera

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother what would I be?
Would I be pretty, would I be rich?
This’s what she said to me

Que sera sera,
Whatever will be, will be,
The future is not ours to see
Que sera sera.
What will be. will be

The irony of the whole thing was I WAS never really very unsure of what the future would hold for me when I was a little girl. I knew I was not the prettiest species in town. And I don’t think I would be rich- too honest to be ever filthy rich. Now, I am nearer to the completion of of PhD and I get so uncertain, to an extent that I think psychologically, it is slowing my disertation writing process!

I knew that I would be successful, I would be happy. I would have a great job, great life. These things seemed so certain then. What would a hardworking and smart girl get? I was really naïve, but I thought the world owes smart, hardworking and good girls like me at least a good job. I did not expect a good husband or something like that, because you just can’t expect to receive true love, no matter how perfect you are!

These day, I am turning into a little girl. The twist is I am now always asking myself what would I be? Despite just chapters away from a PhD, and adding a Dr before my name, I am feeling terribly uncertain. All the plans that I make, no matter how meticulous, always seem to fall through whenever arthritis hits, and the fibromyalgia symptoms trail closely behind.

Just when I seem to obtain all that honest hard work can seem to bring – the ultimate of all degrees – a doctorate, I can’t seem to see a future. I can’t find the picture of me waking up, putting on a nice dress suit and go to work EVERY morning, and work for 10 hours EVERY day. Isn’t this an irony? Instead of looking for high paying, high responsibility, challenging jobs, my eyes are drawn to the part-time job columns, which offers “attractive hourly rates” that “meets minimum wages requirements”!!!

Whatever will be will be. I just got to carve something out of nothing for myself. The future is not for our to see, que sera sera. What will be will be.